For a long time now, I have hoarded toothpaste. By this, I don’t mean that in these straitened times I have panic-bought huge stocks hoping to make a killing on the dental hygiene black market. Rather, I have kept my own tube of toothpaste hidden away in the bathroom cupboard, so I don’t have to …
I once told the following untruth. During a rambling conversation about football, I informed my boys that Queens Park Rangers FC was founded in by a group of west London pig butchers by appointment to the royal court, and that their original name was Queen’s Pork Rangers. Unbelievably, the tale passed muster. Now this is …
So, last week water started dripping through a light fitting in my kitchen ceiling. Now let me be clear: this was not flooding. Flooding is a whole other universe of properly terrible. This was just an annoyance. But it was very, very annoying indeed. Naturally, therefore, I behaved as any rational person would, faced with …
One rainy night recently I lost my keys. I dropped them as I ran for a bus in Brixton and didn’t notice until, almost on the doorstep, I felt for them in my pocket and they were gone. I was very upset. My keyring has among its many links a piece of bike chain, coins …
People say that, when they are lost, men are reluctant to ask directions. The reason people say this is because it is true. But we are never shy in offering them. I, for example, was in a museum recently and was asked, by an elderly couple, where they might find a particular painting. I immediately …
It’s always strange on a Friday to be surrounded by famous names. In our house, everyone has a name that is peculiarly and particularly not famous. My eldest, Miriam, is Huncs. Huncs is a contraction of Hunca Munca, who is one of the Bad Mice in Beatrix Potter’s ‘Tale of Two Bad Mice’, and Miriam …
I gave a lecture on Tuesday. “So what”, I hear you cry. Well, it is my job; but this one was actually fun, because I got to talk for an hour about my favourite artist, the dazzling star of the Florentine Renaissance, the one, the only Donatello. Thing is, it was a terrible lecture. It …
Last year at my house, my partner Susie was away at the exact moment in December when we normally get the tree. Now there are those who would regard this as a golden opportunity to take back control of Christmas - choose, install and decorate the tree in a quasi-military operation; no discussion, no arguments, …
I am feeling young today. But it is not because I have a youthful spring in my step. Nor am I dazzled by the heady possibilities of a world yet unexplored, the rich potential of a life yet to be lived. No. I am feeling young like a naughty schoolboy: it’s the end of term …
I love coming here. I don’t say it often enough, but thank you for having me. The atmosphere is warm and welcoming, the conversation sparkling and the new coffee machine more than adequate. Even so, this is, to say the least, a mildly intimidating environment on a Friday morning. Over there is that bloke out …