In all the strangeness of the last few weeks, it has taken me a surprisingly long time to realise that I have, in effect, been set free. I am furloughed from my job; I am not on the bus to Oxford; I am not obliged to be anywhere, to do anything or to talk to …
For a long time now, I have hoarded toothpaste. By this, I don’t mean that in these straitened times I have panic-bought huge stocks hoping to make a killing on the dental hygiene black market. Rather, I have kept my own tube of toothpaste hidden away in the bathroom cupboard, so I don’t have to …
I once told the following untruth. During a rambling conversation about football, I informed my boys that Queens Park Rangers FC was founded in by a group of west London pig butchers by appointment to the royal court, and that their original name was Queen’s Pork Rangers. Unbelievably, the tale passed muster. Now this is …
So, last week water started dripping through a light fitting in my kitchen ceiling. Now let me be clear: this was not flooding. Flooding is a whole other universe of properly terrible. This was just an annoyance. But it was very, very annoying indeed. Naturally, therefore, I behaved as any rational person would, faced with …
One rainy night recently I lost my keys. I dropped them as I ran for a bus in Brixton and didn’t notice until, almost on the doorstep, I felt for them in my pocket and they were gone. I was very upset. My keyring has among its many links a piece of bike chain, coins …
For about a year now I’ve had an unpleasant rash on my forehead. I have a back that packs up from time to time and a shoulder that periodically keeps me awake at night. My right ankle is a bit shonky from getting kicked playing football against Stockwell YMCA and then falling downstairs onstage during …
People say that, when they are lost, men are reluctant to ask directions. The reason people say this is because it is true. But we are never shy in offering them. I, for example, was in a museum recently and was asked, by an elderly couple, where they might find a particular painting. I immediately …
It’s always strange on a Friday to be surrounded by famous names. In our house, everyone has a name that is peculiarly and particularly not famous. My eldest, Miriam, is Huncs. Huncs is a contraction of Hunca Munca, who is one of the Bad Mice in Beatrix Potter’s ‘Tale of Two Bad Mice’, and Miriam …
I gave a lecture on Tuesday. “So what”, I hear you cry. Well, it is my job; but this one was actually fun, because I got to talk for an hour about my favourite artist, the dazzling star of the Florentine Renaissance, the one, the only Donatello. Thing is, it was a terrible lecture. It …
Around Christmas, time is strange. We go to bed late. We get up early because, despite the absence of work, there is still way too much work to do. Even the days of the week cease to have meaning. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday give way to Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, as time …