You know those terrible dreams where you’re doing something for which you are completely unprepared, amid dazzling publicity, in front of an audience full of experts, where your crippling anxiety grows more and more unbearable until, with your utter inadequacy disastrously exposed and your naked, shambling body burning with shame, fear and embarrassment you are forced to wake yourself up?
Well, here I am, doing my my first Friday Pause for Thought, an art historian of all things, on national radio in a studio with Alex Jones, James, Paloma Faith and Jeremy Irons. Jeremy. Irons. For Pete’s sake.
I’m having that dream right now. And there is no waking up.
However (and thank goodness for however) I suspect that, despite their expertise in their various fields, despite their experience, despite all their craft and skill, there must have been moments when Jeremy has been afraid of forgetting his lines, when Paloma has wondered if her new song is actually any good, when Alex has frozen in front of the autocue and when James have sat down in the dressing room and wished they could just leave it for tonight.
If that’s true then I am a) glad I’m not the only anxious one in the room and b) interested to know how any of us ever get anything done without being paralysed by fear.
I’m spending a lot of time with neuroscientists just now (bear with me) because it’s Brain Awareness Week at the Ashmolean Museum where I work and I’m learning from my colleagues about the infinite complexity of the human brain.
Now Christians believe that we are complex because God is infinitely creative – he is The Maker – and we are made to be creative too. As a result I believe we are capable of more or less anything. Nonetheless, and correct me if I’m wrong, I reckon we’re all still anxious when it comes to the test.
But there’s another thing that the Bible teaches, something of the most wonderful generosity and comfort, which is that when we are tested, we are also refined – we get better, even in the most anxious circumstances, because we are well made and greatly loved.
Two things, then. First, we can be better than we fear we might be, all of us can. And second, even the worst dreams can have a happy ending.
Even this one.
This Pause was memorable for two reasons. It was the first time I’d been in the studio on a Friday, when it is full of guests and the script has to be written to include them in some way. And it was the day Jeremy Irons said ‘fuck’ on the Breakfast Show.